Running Beach to Beacon for The Opportunity Alliance

Sam was born into a family of runners. Almost 10 pounds at birth he wasn’t naturally designed for running but because our family ran he was dragged to every road race and track meet we went to.

We all recall with humor the time at the supper table when Sam interrupted our family discussion and yelled, “Can we stop talking about running!”

Because he wasn’t light and swift like his siblings I am sure that running was made that much more difficult for him and yet every cross country season in high school he would go out for the team. His times would always improve significantly and the added benefit was that he would usually lose about 10 pounds during the season. In addition, the emotional support he receive from the coaches and the other kids on the team was exhilarating.

Because of the support and having a family that runs Sam developed a deep interest in running. He couldn’t run fast but he could understand the process and the commitment that elite runners go through. He started his own running blog covering Maine high school running and decided to major in journalism at the University of Maine at Orono.

Once he graduated from high school he also decided to get consistent with his own running. He started training for certain road races and began setting personal records in each race he ran. The added benefit was the consistent and steady weight loss over the course of the last three years and steady improvement in self-confidence.

This year he wanted to run the Beach to Beacon 10K with some specific goals. Unfortunately I gave him the wrong credit card number and the bib numbers were gone before we could make the correction.

Fortunately, every year Beach to Beacon selects a non-profit to be the beneficiary of the B to B fundraising process. Sam decided to go this route and raise money while pursing something that has had a wonderful positive impact on his life.

This year’s non-profit is the Opportunity Alliance The Opportunity Alliance works with 20,000 people in Maine annually. They provide a broad array of programs combating poverty with access to childcare and early education, healthcare, housing, and nutrition. The Opportunity Alliance works with 20,000 people in Maine annually. They provide a broad array of programs combating poverty with access to childcare and early education, healthcare, housing, and nutrition.

 If you would like to help Sam reach his goal of raising $500 for the Opportunity Alliance please donate at http://www.razoo.com/story/Sam-Bonsey-Fundraising-For-Toa-S-Beach-To-Beacon-Team?fb_ref=FSRK7gYVK&referral_code=share

 Sam will continue his own running goals and writing about the sport he has grown to love.

Teaching Toughness

My parents have moved into a retirement community with their next step being assisted living. Mom is dealing with the early stages of Alzheimer’s and dad is dealing with diabetes, prostate cancer and Parkinson’s disease.

Dad walks with tiny steps and his stability is greatly diminished. They live in a beautiful building on the third floor. It would make sense that dad would use the elevator but he rarely does. He goes up and down those three flights of stairs several times a day because he knows that it is a part of his exercise routine and something that ultimately is extending and making his life better.

Dad was never a tough father and yet there is something deeply tough about him.

He always had the ability to work long and hard, while being prepared on his job as a town manager. I know that he was considered fair as a manager by the people who worked for and with him and just as importantly he was considered tough by those who may have disagreed or challenged him.

My kids have all displayed a remarkable ability to focus and push themselves beyond the moment in both the short term and long term.

I’ve watched Brandon run in the State Championships his senior year on an ankle that he severely sprained an hour before. I’m still not sure how he did that. It makes me that think that Rob Gronkowski is a wimp.

I’ve watched Sam work on his fitness and weight loss over the last two years as he has changed his outward appearance and inward feelings through determination and toughness.

Last night I watched Kourtney run the 5000 meters at the Valentines Invitational at Boston University.

As Kourt has developed into the wonderful young woman she is, there is a drive and toughness about her that in turn can also increase the amount of stress in her life.
Leading up to this race Kourt had been dealing with fatigue issues. Workouts were flat and tougher than usual.

She was concerned that she may have low iron, a gluten allergy or some other physical issue sapping her strength. As I often listened to her concerns, I reminded her that she places a lot of pressure on herself to succeed on all levels and that she and her boyfriend had recently dissolved their three year relationship.

Knowing how my sisters and I responded to the end of our first significant relationships I understand how draining that one life issue can be. Yet, Kourtney never let herself dissolve. She never missed her workouts or let the breakup impact her academic drive and performance.

The process of running is the process of life. It is important to set a plan, work at it every day and push through the moments when you simply want to quit.

Kourt had her plan in place as she toed the line. When the gun went off she immediately went to the back of the pack in last place. Her first lap was slow and well off her plan to break eighteen minutes. The cool thing was the way that she didn’t panic or over react as she gradually began to increase her pace and pass the slower runners along the way without overextending her energy or aerobic capacity.

At the mile mark she was running strong and within range as she looked fluid. You could tell that she was prepared both mentally and physically and everything seemed to falling into place.

At the halfway mark she was right around 9 minutes, still running strong and consistently. At the two mile mark she was still on pace.

This was the point where I began to see the discomfort on her face that belied the fluidity of her stride. She was beginning to tap into something that few of us are able to consistently tap into. The place where it is painful to keep moving forward and every fiber of your being is screaming at you to slow down.

In fact, Kourt didn’t slow down. She remained very consistent and looked like she was increasing her pace because many of the other runners were slowing down.

Like any maniacal dad I started jumping up and down as I yelled her 200 meter splits to her. Each lap her face became more contorted. When she passed me on the last lap I knew she wasn’t going to quite break eighteen minutes. It didn’t matter because she was running the best race of her life and learning something about herself that she will be able to use every day.

When she crossed the finish line she stumbled over to the side of the track to lean on the fence for support while her teammates came over to comfort and congratulate her. Once she caught her breath her smile was the biggest most genuine smile I’ve ever seen on her face.

I also know that the smile on my dad’s face will be just as big and genuine as he reads this and realizes that his grandchildren get a lot of their toughness from him.

Lying to your children

I had the Today Show on the other day when a segment was airing in regard to lying to your children. I only heard a little and I didn’t really pay attention to it.

Since that time I have thought about my own honesty in regard to raising my own children.

I would never suggest to anyone that they follow my examples in raising children. I’ve always used instinct before expert advice and in fact I’ve never used any expert advice in raising my kids.

My own innate experience entailed developing trust from the moment they were born by simply spending as much time as I could with them and really trying to be in the moment and attentive whenever they expressed themselves or participated in an event.
It just seemed to me that when you have a trusting and open relationship with your kids it truly minimizes the necessity to lie.

I was also very open in regard to my own mistakes in life.

As my kids segued into adolescence, discussions of drugs, drinking and sex came up and I explained to them that I started smoking pot and drinking in the eighth grade and lost my virginity in high school.

I never worried that they would feel that, that gave them the right to do the same thing because I always felt like they trusted and respected me. I also felt that it was important that they knew that I am a human being who has made a lot of mistakes in life.

The sense that parents make mistakes too, can be very freeing and actually create more trust between a parent and a child.

My basic advice to them was simply, ‘The longer you wait before drinking, taking drugs or having sex the better your life will be.”

I’m proud to say that they all listened.

Being a Good Ex-Spouse

This week my twenty year-old daughter is on a well deserved vacation in Florida with her mother. I believe it is the first time they have had an extended one on one vacation since her mom moved away five years ago.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending an old friend’s fiftieth birthday party and I had some great conversations with people I hadn’t seen in years. One conversation struck me deeply. I was talking to a person who had known my ex-wife and I for years when he suddenly said, “How is you ex-wife doing? I’ll never be able to forgive her for what she did to you.”

I simply said, “We’re fine and she has married a very nice guy.”

These two events have caused me to think a little deeper about my own actions and what I believe is one of the most common reasons that people have deep issues with divorce.

Outsiders and friends seem to think that they are being loyal in a divorce by choosing sides and talking down the person, who from an outside perspective is the easiest to blame.

In the last five years since my ex-wife left, I have watched my three children blossom. They were thirteen, fifteen and nineteen when she left.

I was worried about my thirteen year old son and my fifteen year old daughter. Those are crucial ages and with turmoil going on at home it is easy for a young teenager to follow the wrong path.

My ex-wife and I knew she was going to leave nine months before she left. Some people find it remarkable that we lived together while she was seeing someone else on the weekends. For me it was critical to maintain a family unit during the transition. Was it easy? No!

I had my moments of deep depression and drowning my sorrows in several bottles of beer. My ex-wife and I had powerful, hurtful, angry conversations but this was always done away from the kids.

After several months of living with the knowledge that we were going to separate our home we sat the thirteen year old and the fifteen year old down to break the news to them. After a difficult, emotional dialogue my wiseass son said, “Dad, find someone hot. Mom, don’t marry a dick.” We still laugh about this today because she was seeing and did marry someone named Dick.

My ex-wife moved to Washington, D.C. and remarried. Fortunately she went to work at the university where my oldest son was attending college and he was able to move in with her for awhile after school.

My daughter, my youngest son and I stayed in our hometown, moved out of a big beautiful house and transitioned to several apartments and living arrangements over the next five years.

Through all the rough times and upheaval they had a stable home and a lot of laughter.

I committed to not place any negative feelings that I had about their mom on them. I knew that no matter what pain I was feeling, they loved their mom and if I criticized their mom in front of them it would simply make them feel bad.

When they expressed anger or pain about their relationship with their mom I simply tried to listen and reenforce that what they were expressing was important. They may have been feeling some of the same pain that I was but I wanted to make sure that it didn’t ramp up into some “mom is bad “feeling.

If children feel bad about a parent it can make them feel bad about themselves.

I also think that in a small town, if friends feel resentment toward an ex-spouse that can inadvertently rub off on the kids. That is why whenever anyone expressed the feelings that were expressed to me at the birthday party I always responded with “We are doing great!”

So now my daughter is off enjoying a terrific and well deserved vacation in the hot sun. They will have time to relate and enjoy each other while they deepen their relationship. It is great for her and the better she feels the better I feel.

Passing Along Positive Thoughts

My friend, Pete, called me Sunday morning. His daughter, Devon, had just left 15 minutes before to go to college for her freshman year.

She is a smart, funny, attractive young woman who is attending school on a full academic scholarship.

Pete didn’t expect to miss Devon. She has so much to look forward to and that is his focus. In that moment Pete was feeling a little lonely and I was honored that he put in a call to me to ask me if I’d like to go get a beer that afternoon. I couldn’t go and Pete and I had a great conversation on the phone.

A couple of days later, while I was working, I thought of Devon and I thought of all the times that Pete has talked in glowing terms about her. I am sure that he tells her the same things in person but I also know that when someone reaches out to someone else and says, “So and so always says positive things about you” it can have a deep impact. When you tell them their parents are saying positive things about them when they are not around it can have an even deeper impact.

So I took the liberty of looking Devon up on Facebook and I sent her this note.

Devon,

About 15 minutes after you left on Sunday your dad called me. He said, "I thought I was going to be fine but now that she is gone I really miss her"

I can't tell you the number of times that your dad and I have talked about you. He is so proud of you and he knows that you are going to accomplish everything that you put your mind to in life.

Enjoy the future. It is really bright. When your dad gets weepy I'll take him for a few beers so he can talk about how proud he is of you!


Yours truly,
Devon Fan Cameron

Devon responded with a great note back to me.

When I hear an honest, sincere compliment about someone I like to make sure that they know it. We all like to hear good things about ourselves and it helps to create better self-esteem and makes us stronger.

My Hero, Ryan

Last weekend I got involved in a Facebook exchange. My girlfriend, Wendy, posted the following:

“July 4th we celebrate the signing of the "Declaration of Independence" Officially forming the 13 colonies, in America, free from the Kingdom of Great Britain. A war took place in this process, The American Revolutionary War. Freedom has ALWAY's come with a price. I stand proud to live in this free nation. I will honor ...& support those who have & continue to fight & defend our countries freedom! Do you?”

This elicited immediate responses as one friend wrote about her son being deployed to Iraq and friendly posts with thanks and positive thoughts for her and her son abounded.

I was struck by one friend who posted “You are the Patriot. Most parents do everything in their power to keep military age children at home.”

I know this person was trying to be nice but the idea that someone would take a group of people, in this case parents, and make a negative assumption about them is troubling to me. Assumptions like this happen all the time and I think it goes to the core of a collective communication discourse in our country that separates all of us.

My nephew, Ryan, also landed in Iraq this week. He has wanted to be a soldier ever since he was a little boy. He tried college for a semester and then decided that the Army Reserve would be a good fit for him and would help him offset his future college expenses.

I know that the way he was pushed in basic training taught him that he could reach deeper than he ever imagined and the forced discipline of the daily process was also a wonderful benefit.

Ryan is the only one of my parent’s seven grandchildren who is currently serving in the military. The other six are either attending college or about to attend college.

I never talked about military service with my oldest son or my daughter. They were so completely focused on college that it wouldn’t have been the best option for them.

My youngest son Sam, who happens to be extremely close to Ryan, could use many of the skills that the military could teach him. I’ve talked about the military several times with him and he has chosen to attend college this year.

I believe that most parents go through this type of process.

As Ryan sits in Iraq and serves his country I am proud of him and scared for him. I don’t think that he considers himself a hero.

The most heroic thing that I have had the honor of seeing Ryan do occurred during his dad’s funeral in June of 2009. While his sister Hilary began to speak about their dad she started to cry. Ryan waited for a moment to let her collect herself and then when she couldn’t, he gracefully approached the podium, put his arm around Hilary and read her words with strength and eloquence.

I am sure that Ryan’s army training came into play in that moment. If he is confronted with a situation that requires grace under pressure in Iraq I know he will respond heroically.

I also know that my friends, family and acquaintances, who are parents, would never do whatever they could to keep their children out of the military. They would simply help their children make the choice that is right for them.

I hope we remember that the majority of the people who live in the United States love this country and when we assume something negative about a particular group it divides us and weakens the country that Ryan is fighting for.

Emergency Ward

Last Sunday morning I received an email from my dad with the title “Emergency Ward” the cryptic note that followed said “Spent last evening at the Blue Hill Hospital. You will have to call your mother to get the details. Dad”

To give you a little background, this past year has been tough on my mom and dad who have been married for almost 58 years. Mom has been battling memory loss and several health issues and my dad battles diabetes, and is still recovering from having is aortic valve replaced in October.

The number of trips to the emergency room has increased at an astronomical rate and my dad’s emails have become more stilted.

As soon as I received the email I called my mom. I was expecting a stressed out response on the other end but my mom answered with a giddy tone to her voice.

“What’s up with dad?” I asked.

“Well”, she giggled.” Your father and I had sex yesterday afternoon and as soon as we were done he had to get up and take a shower.”

Of course I started laughing and I apologize if this is too much information for the reader.

“When he came out of the shower he couldn’t remember anything that had happened all day, except for the sex. I asked him several questions and he couldn’t answer them. I thought he was having a stroke, so I insisted we go to the hospital.”

By the time they got to the hospital they were laughing and when they explained their situation to the hospital staff they were informed that it is rare, but memory loss after sex or intense exercise is something referred to as “transient global amnesia”. Dad’s doctor thinks the episode is related to his diabetes and low blood sugar.

Whatever the reason, it is a testament to my parents and their marriage. Their health is waning, life is more difficult and they are still able to connect in a beautiful, emotional and physical way.

And as I told my mom on the phone, “It’s pretty impressive that after 58 years of marriage you are so good in bed that you can still make dad lose his mind.”