This week my twenty year-old daughter is on a well deserved vacation in Florida with her mother. I believe it is the first time they have had an extended one on one vacation since her mom moved away five years ago.
This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending an old friend’s fiftieth birthday party and I had some great conversations with people I hadn’t seen in years. One conversation struck me deeply. I was talking to a person who had known my ex-wife and I for years when he suddenly said, “How is you ex-wife doing? I’ll never be able to forgive her for what she did to you.”
I simply said, “We’re fine and she has married a very nice guy.”
These two events have caused me to think a little deeper about my own actions and what I believe is one of the most common reasons that people have deep issues with divorce.
Outsiders and friends seem to think that they are being loyal in a divorce by choosing sides and talking down the person, who from an outside perspective is the easiest to blame.
In the last five years since my ex-wife left, I have watched my three children blossom. They were thirteen, fifteen and nineteen when she left.
I was worried about my thirteen year old son and my fifteen year old daughter. Those are crucial ages and with turmoil going on at home it is easy for a young teenager to follow the wrong path.
My ex-wife and I knew she was going to leave nine months before she left. Some people find it remarkable that we lived together while she was seeing someone else on the weekends. For me it was critical to maintain a family unit during the transition. Was it easy? No!
I had my moments of deep depression and drowning my sorrows in several bottles of beer. My ex-wife and I had powerful, hurtful, angry conversations but this was always done away from the kids.
After several months of living with the knowledge that we were going to separate our home we sat the thirteen year old and the fifteen year old down to break the news to them. After a difficult, emotional dialogue my wiseass son said, “Dad, find someone hot. Mom, don’t marry a dick.” We still laugh about this today because she was seeing and did marry someone named Dick.
My ex-wife moved to Washington, D.C. and remarried. Fortunately she went to work at the university where my oldest son was attending college and he was able to move in with her for awhile after school.
My daughter, my youngest son and I stayed in our hometown, moved out of a big beautiful house and transitioned to several apartments and living arrangements over the next five years.
Through all the rough times and upheaval they had a stable home and a lot of laughter.
I committed to not place any negative feelings that I had about their mom on them. I knew that no matter what pain I was feeling, they loved their mom and if I criticized their mom in front of them it would simply make them feel bad.
When they expressed anger or pain about their relationship with their mom I simply tried to listen and reenforce that what they were expressing was important. They may have been feeling some of the same pain that I was but I wanted to make sure that it didn’t ramp up into some “mom is bad “feeling.
If children feel bad about a parent it can make them feel bad about themselves.
I also think that in a small town, if friends feel resentment toward an ex-spouse that can inadvertently rub off on the kids. That is why whenever anyone expressed the feelings that were expressed to me at the birthday party I always responded with “We are doing great!”
So now my daughter is off enjoying a terrific and well deserved vacation in the hot sun. They will have time to relate and enjoy each other while they deepen their relationship. It is great for her and the better she feels the better I feel.
