Teaching Toughness

My parents have moved into a retirement community with their next step being assisted living. Mom is dealing with the early stages of Alzheimer’s and dad is dealing with diabetes, prostate cancer and Parkinson’s disease.

Dad walks with tiny steps and his stability is greatly diminished. They live in a beautiful building on the third floor. It would make sense that dad would use the elevator but he rarely does. He goes up and down those three flights of stairs several times a day because he knows that it is a part of his exercise routine and something that ultimately is extending and making his life better.

Dad was never a tough father and yet there is something deeply tough about him.

He always had the ability to work long and hard, while being prepared on his job as a town manager. I know that he was considered fair as a manager by the people who worked for and with him and just as importantly he was considered tough by those who may have disagreed or challenged him.

My kids have all displayed a remarkable ability to focus and push themselves beyond the moment in both the short term and long term.

I’ve watched Brandon run in the State Championships his senior year on an ankle that he severely sprained an hour before. I’m still not sure how he did that. It makes me that think that Rob Gronkowski is a wimp.

I’ve watched Sam work on his fitness and weight loss over the last two years as he has changed his outward appearance and inward feelings through determination and toughness.

Last night I watched Kourtney run the 5000 meters at the Valentines Invitational at Boston University.

As Kourt has developed into the wonderful young woman she is, there is a drive and toughness about her that in turn can also increase the amount of stress in her life.
Leading up to this race Kourt had been dealing with fatigue issues. Workouts were flat and tougher than usual.

She was concerned that she may have low iron, a gluten allergy or some other physical issue sapping her strength. As I often listened to her concerns, I reminded her that she places a lot of pressure on herself to succeed on all levels and that she and her boyfriend had recently dissolved their three year relationship.

Knowing how my sisters and I responded to the end of our first significant relationships I understand how draining that one life issue can be. Yet, Kourtney never let herself dissolve. She never missed her workouts or let the breakup impact her academic drive and performance.

The process of running is the process of life. It is important to set a plan, work at it every day and push through the moments when you simply want to quit.

Kourt had her plan in place as she toed the line. When the gun went off she immediately went to the back of the pack in last place. Her first lap was slow and well off her plan to break eighteen minutes. The cool thing was the way that she didn’t panic or over react as she gradually began to increase her pace and pass the slower runners along the way without overextending her energy or aerobic capacity.

At the mile mark she was running strong and within range as she looked fluid. You could tell that she was prepared both mentally and physically and everything seemed to falling into place.

At the halfway mark she was right around 9 minutes, still running strong and consistently. At the two mile mark she was still on pace.

This was the point where I began to see the discomfort on her face that belied the fluidity of her stride. She was beginning to tap into something that few of us are able to consistently tap into. The place where it is painful to keep moving forward and every fiber of your being is screaming at you to slow down.

In fact, Kourt didn’t slow down. She remained very consistent and looked like she was increasing her pace because many of the other runners were slowing down.

Like any maniacal dad I started jumping up and down as I yelled her 200 meter splits to her. Each lap her face became more contorted. When she passed me on the last lap I knew she wasn’t going to quite break eighteen minutes. It didn’t matter because she was running the best race of her life and learning something about herself that she will be able to use every day.

When she crossed the finish line she stumbled over to the side of the track to lean on the fence for support while her teammates came over to comfort and congratulate her. Once she caught her breath her smile was the biggest most genuine smile I’ve ever seen on her face.

I also know that the smile on my dad’s face will be just as big and genuine as he reads this and realizes that his grandchildren get a lot of their toughness from him.

Lying to your children

I had the Today Show on the other day when a segment was airing in regard to lying to your children. I only heard a little and I didn’t really pay attention to it.

Since that time I have thought about my own honesty in regard to raising my own children.

I would never suggest to anyone that they follow my examples in raising children. I’ve always used instinct before expert advice and in fact I’ve never used any expert advice in raising my kids.

My own innate experience entailed developing trust from the moment they were born by simply spending as much time as I could with them and really trying to be in the moment and attentive whenever they expressed themselves or participated in an event.
It just seemed to me that when you have a trusting and open relationship with your kids it truly minimizes the necessity to lie.

I was also very open in regard to my own mistakes in life.

As my kids segued into adolescence, discussions of drugs, drinking and sex came up and I explained to them that I started smoking pot and drinking in the eighth grade and lost my virginity in high school.

I never worried that they would feel that, that gave them the right to do the same thing because I always felt like they trusted and respected me. I also felt that it was important that they knew that I am a human being who has made a lot of mistakes in life.

The sense that parents make mistakes too, can be very freeing and actually create more trust between a parent and a child.

My basic advice to them was simply, ‘The longer you wait before drinking, taking drugs or having sex the better your life will be.”

I’m proud to say that they all listened.