I have lived with depression my entire life. It is a part of who I am and the path it has pushed me to follow has led me to a place where I am happy and full of enthusiasm for what life presents to me.
It hasn’t always been that way. I’ve experienced the moments of despair, curled up in the fetal position on family room floor when no one was around, screaming at the top of my lungs, with my dogs licking my face wondering what was wrong with me.
I have fallen apart on a movie set, unable to make the calls for the shoot the next day as my sister, a woman who was working with me, two of my best friends and one of their wives made phone calls until 2 in the morning for me.
And years ago I checked myself into a facility for three days because I was exhausted and simply didn’t know what to do to make myself feel better.
Yesterday I had my physical. I am about to turn fifty and I am in very good shape physically. The nurse who weighed and measured me even thinks I’ve grown have an inch! I think she just had a bad angle but I’ll take it. At least I’m not shrinking yet.
As I began to talk to my doctor in regard to how I am feeling it became clear to me that I have learned a great deal about myself through my work with my own depression.
I am a deeply emotional person. This usually displays itself through frequent outbursts of laughter. In my younger days it would sometimes manifest itself in anger and holding onto to pain.
My depression can take energy away from me and holding on to negative feelings only makes me feel worse. I just don’t have the internal resources to handle that downward spiral so I have learned how to let those negative feelings go and replace them with positive thoughts and feelings.
Those positive thoughts help me to view the world from a different perspective. I instantly trust people that I have just met and I trust my kids, my girlfriend, my parents, siblings, my friends and co-workers. I’ve learned that it is important to give trust first if you ever expect to be trusted and when I don’t trust someone it just pulls energy away from me. Most people do the right thing so why should I waste energy worrying about something negative happening?
I also set positive short term and long term goals. My kids make fun of me because I’ll say things like “My fifties are going to be the most productive time of my life.” I say things like that to reinforce that life to good to them and, just as importantly, that life is good to me.
I know that I’ll have days when I want to curl up on the floor and scream and I know that I will make it through those days to laugh with friends and family.
Thank you depression. You inspire me.
