I have lived with depression my entire life. It is a part of who I am and the path it has pushed me to follow has led me to a place where I am happy and full of enthusiasm for what life presents to me.
It hasn’t always been that way. I’ve experienced the moments of despair, curled up in the fetal position on family room floor when no one was around, screaming at the top of my lungs, with my dogs licking my face wondering what was wrong with me.
I have fallen apart on a movie set, unable to make the calls for the shoot the next day as my sister, a woman who was working with me, two of my best friends and one of their wives made phone calls until 2 in the morning for me.
And years ago I checked myself into a facility for three days because I was exhausted and simply didn’t know what to do to make myself feel better.
Yesterday I had my physical. I am about to turn fifty and I am in very good shape physically. The nurse who weighed and measured me even thinks I’ve grown have an inch! I think she just had a bad angle but I’ll take it. At least I’m not shrinking yet.
As I began to talk to my doctor in regard to how I am feeling it became clear to me that I have learned a great deal about myself through my work with my own depression.
I am a deeply emotional person. This usually displays itself through frequent outbursts of laughter. In my younger days it would sometimes manifest itself in anger and holding onto to pain.
My depression can take energy away from me and holding on to negative feelings only makes me feel worse. I just don’t have the internal resources to handle that downward spiral so I have learned how to let those negative feelings go and replace them with positive thoughts and feelings.
Those positive thoughts help me to view the world from a different perspective. I instantly trust people that I have just met and I trust my kids, my girlfriend, my parents, siblings, my friends and co-workers. I’ve learned that it is important to give trust first if you ever expect to be trusted and when I don’t trust someone it just pulls energy away from me. Most people do the right thing so why should I waste energy worrying about something negative happening?
I also set positive short term and long term goals. My kids make fun of me because I’ll say things like “My fifties are going to be the most productive time of my life.” I say things like that to reinforce that life to good to them and, just as importantly, that life is good to me.
I know that I’ll have days when I want to curl up on the floor and scream and I know that I will make it through those days to laugh with friends and family.
Thank you depression. You inspire me.
2 comments:
First off Cam, love ya and I’m thankful for every day you get to experience joy. You're clearly making the best of a difficult situation and your honesty is inspiring.
To comment on this post- My story is a bit different. Depression depressed me. I used to deal with depression. But no more. It was what they call S.A.D. (Seasonal Affect Disorder) Every winter holiday season it seemed to increase in intensity until my kids and wife were full aware that dad was in the “grumpy” season, which lasted longer each year. Finally, after years of this, at a doctor’s office I offhandedly blurted out a question about this disorder. The truth was, I was SICK of living with it and having it noticeably negatively influence myself and my family members! I know now that that small step of proclamation began my freedom from it. I’ve come to understand ( not via my Dr.) that this was NOT how I was intended to live, and that perhaps something was constantly influencing me with this negativity. Was I the source of these feelings of hopelessness and purposelessness? It felt more like accusation and condemnation…
If we are an island unto ourselves, yes, the struggle must, by nature,be merely internal. However, if you entertain the existence of a higher spiritual power, (such as the God of the bible) , I urge you to consider that even he himself proclaims that he has opposition, who’s main thrust is to infect, deny, pervert, oppress and destroy creation’s connection with it’s creator. (sounds like I’m talking of angels and demons, no?) The simple reality I’ve found is that SOME OF THE THOUGHTS WE HAVE ARE NOT OUR OWN, yet when we assign them to ourselves and even come into agreement with them, the battle forever remains against ourselves, and it is never won! We MUST oppose this stuff and we cannot do it successfully alone. I believe the idiomatic statement that “WE are our own worst enemies” cannot be further from the truth.
I realize that even amongst our society’s current openness to “spirituality”, it’s admittedly still a huge step for materialistic, humanistic, age of reason individuals to realistically consider the tangible effects of a spirit realm. ( Although we are quick to do it when some unexplained GOOD thing happens) Yet, that is what I encourage you to do. It’s funny how we all are willing to acknowledge that we deal with our “demons”, while in the bible Jesus, literally, cast them out of people, and it is stated implicitly that the reason he came was to “undo the works of the devil”.
Mine got undone.
Living in peace,
Dan
Cameron, thanks for your blog on depression. Your courage to tell your story is going to help others. I'm not afraid to tell people about my experience or about therapy and medication. I wonder sometimes as I notice it happens to sensitive creative types. Those great qualities we have can sometimes be our struggle in life. Thanks again for caring so much to share.
Karen Gilbert
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