Wednesday morning I got up at 6 am and went for a 3.5 mile run. I haven’t run in the morning for a long time because I never feel like it. I wanted to see if it would have an impact on how I felt during the day. The run went well and then I took my son, Sam, to school and drove over to look at a house I am interested in.

While I waited for the real estate agents I noticed that I’ll didn’t feel any better than usual. I still had that blah, unfocused feeling.

The house was great and I had some nice conversations and then headed to work.

My daughter, Kourtney called to say that she had just taken her boyfriend , Chris, who has been suffering from viral meningitis, back to the emergency room. He threw up after class on Tuesday and woke up throwing up on Wednesday. They were performing another spinal tap and she was very upset for Chris.

After that, my girlfriend Wendy called upset because she was overwhelmed with flight attendant school was she participating in. It has been a lifelong dream and the testing has been intense and the job is going to be much more logistically complicated than she thought. She was overwrought with feelings of failure and disappointment.

Then my ex-wife Kim called complaining and worrying about our oldest son, Brandon. She was questioning his choices and asking me questions that I suggested she ask him, since he is living with her now.

I was also worried about my dad who needs a new heart valve, Kourt’s efforts to help Chris when she also needs to focus on her school work and most importantly how I was going to get the apartment clean before Wendy got home!

After I picked up Sam and made supper, I decided to take my sorry ass outside and jumpstart Wendy’s car that had been sitting stationary since Kourt used it and left the key in the “on” position.

I got it jumpstarted and then I took it for a ride to charge the battery. I drove down to the Town Landing, about 2 miles from the apartment, to look out at the ocean on a beautiful night. The light was perfect and the sailboats in the harbor were stunning as they bobbed up and down to the rhythum of the waves. Taking a moment for myself and to just enjoy my surroundings I reached down and turned off the key. I think I actually had a piece of my mind yelling “no don’t do that” as my hand went to the steering column but in that instant I couldn’t pull it all together. The car turned off just as I yelled “shit!” I quickly turned the key hoping that enough juice had gotten to the battery to just turn the engine over once but all I got was that familiar click, click, click sound that I have heard so many times in my life.

That’s when I really started to get pissed squeezing the steering wheel as hard as I could with both hands and shaking it. I think I could have actually pulled it off the column if I hadn’t calmed myself down.

I relaxed my hands and sat there for a moment and pondered my options. I could look for someone and ask for a jump, I could call Sam and have him drive illegally (he only has his permit)over to help me (I seriously considered this) or I could simply collect myself and walk back to the apartment and get my car.

Walking seemed like the best plan so I strolled up the hill and then down RT 88. It was a beautiful night and the walk was nice. I got to the apartment, jumped in my car, drove back to Town Landing, jumped Wendy’s car and drove it back to the apartment.

It was now getting dark and I had to go back and get my car. So I grabbed my goofy orange reflective vest and jumped on the old bicycle, that I bought for $75 at the beginning of the summer so that Brandon, Kourt and Sam could get around when a car wasn’t available, and headed down the road looking like an odd, middle aged man with balance problems as I wobbled slowly down the road.

After a quarter mile I felt pretty good and the whole event seemed to start coming into a humorous focus for me. It was rounding into a good story to tell with a good ending and I was speeding down hill with the wind in my hair. Even the big uphill wasn’t bad as I downshifted and pumped my legs furiously steadily moving forward. I crested the hill and my momentum increased as I changed gears again. This is the point where the derailleur, after many years of use, decided to let go. After a lot of clanking sounds I looked down to see the chain hanging and caught in the spokes.

Now I had another decision to make. Should I just leave the bike there and walk the rest of the way or should I try to use it as a scooter? The scooter option seemed to make sense as there was flat road ahead and a big downhill at the end. I figured I could actually get there faster than walking. So I cocked my butt off to one side so my leg could reach the ground and started pushing myself along at dusk on a busy road wearing my classy reflective vest. I was amazed by how fast my leg fatigued, how slow I was traveling and how funny passersby thought I looked.

I shifted to my other side just as some” tricked out” bicyclist with his fancy lights, flamboyant bike shorts and $1,000, 20 speed road bike passed by and made some remark that was tinged with sympathy but was drenched in sarcasm. That’s when I heard another clanking sound as chain wrapped itself in the spokes again.

Suddenly I was back to that “gripping and shaking the steering wheel” feeling again! I wanted to throw the bike down and then jump up and down on it yelling obscenities as loud as I could. Instead, I tossed the bike to the side of the road, took note of the location and expelled a moderately loud by simple “fuck” and continued my quest to pick up my car.

The rest of the trip was uneventful as I got back to my car, picked up the bike, picked up a 12 pack of Sam Adams at the store and went back to the apartment to drink my beer and tell Sam my adventure. I think it is good for Sam to have a father who makes more mistakes than he does.

The next morning I got up to find out that Chris is feeling much better, Wendy passed her tests and should be fine and Brandon is going to work doing recruiting for Georgetown while he works at a running shoe store and applies to grad school at UMO.

I’m not going to bother running in the morning and I’ll stick with my reliance on Sam Adams.

Praise in Public

I wanted to share the letter to the editor, published in The Forecaster, that I wrote about my kids cross country coaches. I believe that we should praise the people who deserve praise as often and as publicly as we can.

Letter: Falmouth coaches deserve thanks
Published: Aug 31, 2009 8:40 am -
E-mail and share
This fall marks the 10th and final year in a row that one or more of my children will run cross country for Falmouth High School. During that time Danny Paul and Jorma Kurry have shared the coaching responsibilities.

My children's running skills span all levels from elite runner, to good runner, to back-of- the-pack runner. It never mattered to Danny and Jorma what running skills each of my children possessed. What has always come across loud and clear is that they are concerned with each athlete's development as a runner and more importantly as a human being.

I've observed them at over 100 meets and numerous awards banquets. It is amazing how they relate to each student and how they can recall the most minute detail or most important accomplishment of each of one.

My oldest son has graduated from college and he still stays in contact and runs with each of them. My daughter is currently running in college and as I took her to pre-season running camp, we talked about Danny and Jorma and their positive impact on her life.

I believe that being a teacher/coach in today's complicated world is one of the toughest and most important jobs. Thank you Danny and Jorma for doing it so well and making my job, as a parent, easier. I plan on enjoying every minute of this 10th season as I watch my youngest son improve as a runner and a human being.

Cameron Bonsey
Falmouth

Bring Guilt to the Laundromat

My daughter Kourtney is getting ready to go back to college. Her room is torn up, clothes are piled in front of the washer and dryer and reminder notes sit, ruffed on counter tops and tables throughout our home.

I sat down at the kitchen table to do some work this morning and out of the corner of my eye, on a sticky note next to my computer, I read the words “take guilt to the laundromat” As I refocused my fifty year old eyes I realized that it actually was a note from Kourtney asking me to take her quilt to the laundromat.

The thought of taking guilt to the laundromat intrigues me. What if we could simply wash away the guilt that builds up over a lifetime with a quick visit to the “guilt free” laundromat?

As I write this I am focusing on guilt as “self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing”. I believe we would all become happier and more productive if we could clean this type of guilt from our lives.

I know my own forgetfulness and lack of organizational skills can make me feel guilty at work and in my personal life. What I have found is that if I concentrate on that guilt I actually become less effective and certainly less satisfied in life. Sometimes I have to stop, address the mistake and do my best to prevent the same thing from happening again.

Great athletes know exactly how to do this. If Josh Beckett gives up a key hit you’ll certainly see him express anger and disappointment in himself for a moment. He then quickly settles down and focuses on the task at hand and the future. The base hit does not exist in his mind because it would simply pull energy away from what he needs to accomplish from that point forward.

This simple lesson is something I try to reinforce with me kids everyday. So I’ll take Kourt’s quilt to the laudromat and hopefully she can sleep under it through many “guilt free” nights at school this year.

Depression Inspires Me

I have lived with depression my entire life. It is a part of who I am and the path it has pushed me to follow has led me to a place where I am happy and full of enthusiasm for what life presents to me.

It hasn’t always been that way. I’ve experienced the moments of despair, curled up in the fetal position on family room floor when no one was around, screaming at the top of my lungs, with my dogs licking my face wondering what was wrong with me.

I have fallen apart on a movie set, unable to make the calls for the shoot the next day as my sister, a woman who was working with me, two of my best friends and one of their wives made phone calls until 2 in the morning for me.

And years ago I checked myself into a facility for three days because I was exhausted and simply didn’t know what to do to make myself feel better.

Yesterday I had my physical. I am about to turn fifty and I am in very good shape physically. The nurse who weighed and measured me even thinks I’ve grown have an inch! I think she just had a bad angle but I’ll take it. At least I’m not shrinking yet.

As I began to talk to my doctor in regard to how I am feeling it became clear to me that I have learned a great deal about myself through my work with my own depression.

I am a deeply emotional person. This usually displays itself through frequent outbursts of laughter. In my younger days it would sometimes manifest itself in anger and holding onto to pain.

My depression can take energy away from me and holding on to negative feelings only makes me feel worse. I just don’t have the internal resources to handle that downward spiral so I have learned how to let those negative feelings go and replace them with positive thoughts and feelings.

Those positive thoughts help me to view the world from a different perspective. I instantly trust people that I have just met and I trust my kids, my girlfriend, my parents, siblings, my friends and co-workers. I’ve learned that it is important to give trust first if you ever expect to be trusted and when I don’t trust someone it just pulls energy away from me. Most people do the right thing so why should I waste energy worrying about something negative happening?

I also set positive short term and long term goals. My kids make fun of me because I’ll say things like “My fifties are going to be the most productive time of my life.” I say things like that to reinforce that life to good to them and, just as importantly, that life is good to me.

I know that I’ll have days when I want to curl up on the floor and scream and I know that I will make it through those days to laugh with friends and family.

Thank you depression. You inspire me.

Basketball Blues

It is now officially the beginning of the high school basketball season in Maine. This may be the most popular sport in the state and playing for your high school team is an important coming of age goal for many boys and girls.

My son Sam is a 16 year old junior at Falmouth High School in Falmouth Maine. He has grown up playing basketball with his older brother and he is a huge Boston Celtic and Duke University fan. Basketball is always on TV at our house and Sam spends an enormous amount of time playing basketball on the street that we live on. I placed a cheap portable hoop by the side of the road and it is one of the best investments that I have ever made.

Our high school team has a very talented group in Sam’s class. Sam is a very good shooter but he is not blessed with speed. He has run cross country every year to get in shape for basketball and this year he has expressed concerns over making the team. It is not unusual for juniors to get cut because they are sometimes stuck in no man’s land. Not skilled enough to play varsity and not young enough to have potential to develop.

The days before tryouts were filled with discussions of maintaining focus, believing in yourself, hustle and having a positive attitude.

Sam and I spent Saturday and Sunday looking for basketball shoes. Size 11 is very popular and finding the brand and style that Sam wanted was becoming difficult. I was heading out on a business trip on Monday so we had several stores call other locations to see what they had. We found a store that had Sam’s size and style and I told him I would pick up the shoes and deliver them to tryouts. He took his old shoes in case I was late.

The next day I went to the store and bought 2 pair of shoes in different colors because I thought Sam might change his mind once he saw both. I sent him a text to make sure he knew that I had the shoes and he replied that practice was earlier and that he would use his old shoes.

That night I picked him up from practice and asked him how things went. Sam was very positive as he described the tryout and the things they had done. As we got home Sam immediately tried on the new shoes, selected the pair he originally wanted and went outside to try them out. His reaction was “The new shoes are great dad. Thank you”.

I dropped him off at school the next day and headed back out on the road. He called me after 8 pm to tell me practice was done. When I arrived at the school I switched seats so he could drive. He walked slowly to the car, opened the door and got in with a very sullen look on his face. “You might as well return both pair of shoes,” he said as his eyes seemed to mist over.

At first I thought he was joking as I said something like, “Don’t give me that crap. How did it go?

“I’m not kidding dad, I didn’t make the team. I’m going to run indoor track.”

It was one of those moments that are tough for parents to deal with. How should I react? Is this a good learning moment? Should I just say I’m sorry, I know how hard you have worked or should I get angry at the school and the coaches for cutting my son?

In short I didn’t know what to say. I sat there looking at Sam trying to figure out what I could say that might be inspirational but nothing came.

Suddenly that big beautiful smile of Sam’s came across his face and he said “I made JV. Coach told me he expects me to be one of the leaders and if I work hard I’ll be one of the three guys he calls up at the end of the season when they make the playoffs.”

I burst out laughing. Sam had played the same trick that I play on him. He totally had me fooled and it was his best acting yet!

Life doesn’t always work out as we planned but we can have a lot of fun along the way whether our plan works or not.

Michael’s Graduation

My nephew graduated this spring. He is a smart, great person and that moment made me think of him and my other nieces and nephews as well as my best friend’s family. I sent this note to all of them. We are very lucky.

Michael’s Graduation

I’ve been thinking about Michael’s graduation this week. It was very important for me personally to witness the ceremony and I spent a lot of time thinking about Michael and the type of person he has become. I love his drive, his sense of humor and his choice of friends. Of course I have forgotten their names but I do remember them. The handsome, good kid who is serving in the Navy, the bright, nice kid who is studying architecture and the down to earth, kind, local kid who serves as a volunteer fireman and is involved in the town. They all represent Michael very well.

As I was beginning to write this Steve called and I was telling him about Michael. Steve also majored in Physics at McGill and graduated with a GPA over 3.8. We talked about the 18 grandchildren of Leon and Alma Langlois and Osmond and Ann Bonsey. They all are goods kids who have stayed out of trouble and continue to make good choices in regard to the people they surround themselves with.

Think about that simple statement for a minute. 18 good, motivated and kind grandchildren from two good, motivated and kind couples.

If a physics theory like the “butterfly effect” "where small variations of the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system” or in other words the idea that the flap of a butterflies’ wings can have in impact on weather conditions a half a world away, then what is the impact of 18 positive grandchildren on the future of this world.

I think the answer is infinite but I’ll rely on the brain power of Michael and Steve to give us a concise answer.

Energy may not be able to be created or destroyed but good people can. I think we’ve all been lucky, hardworking and kind in our approach with all these kids and they will and are already having a positive impact on the world around them. They are why I believe the “future is bright.”

Simple Luck

I received one of those phone calls the other day that none of us want to receive. I was working on my computer at the kitchen table when I felt my cell phone vibrate. I leave it on vibrate because, like my mother, my hearing isn’t what it used to be.

The caller I.D. flashed “Mom and Dad”. They are in Florida at this time of year, so I knew that a phone call this early in the morning meant that they had either just set a record on their early morning walk/run or something was wrong.

I picked up the phone and heard mom say “Cameron, it’s your mother” I knew instantly that something was wrong. Mom had been struggling with stomach problems for months and had spent 6 hours in the emergency room a week and half before. One x-ray was inconclusive so she had a cat scan. Mom was calling me to tell me that the doctor’s office had called the night before to tell her that she had “lymphoma”.

From my minimal knowledge of lymphoma I felt that it was one of the most curable forms of cancer. I also new that, at that point, we had very little information and we would know more after mom went to the doctor’s office later that day. Knowing this I didn’t have a big reaction to the news. I simply listened to mom’s concerns that someone would need to come to Florida to be with dad while she had her operation. I let her know my sisters, Lynn and Lorna, and I would work things out and that she wouldn’t have to worry about those arraignments.

Mom’s voice cracked a little when she said goodbye and told me she was going to call Lynn and Lorna to tell them the news.

As I got off the phone I thought of a line that I have heard my dad say many times, “I am the luckiest man on the earth.” This line made sense to me because in my immediate family we have been extremely lucky in terms of dealing with family illness and tragedy.

Beyond the longevity and health I am the fortunate beneficiary of an upbringing that encouraged open communication and expression of one’s feelings. At a time when I was thinking about the potential loss of my mother I was also thinking that, because of the open communication and the longevity, my mom and I have been blessed to be in a place where we have worked out any differences we have had over the years. There are no words left unsaid and I won’t be burdened with feeling that I didn’t get a chance to express all my feelings to her.

I went to work that day and was able to focus and do the things that I needed to do. I thought of mom frequently but no morbid thoughts came to mind and my sense of calm continued.

When I left work I noticed that mom had tried to call my cell phone. I tried calling back several times over the course of the next 45 minutes. Finally, as I stood over the kitchen stove making American Chop Suey for my kids, the phone vibrated. I picked it up to hear my mother’s voice again. “Well, the news is a little better than I originally thought, “said mom in a much more enthusiastic tone. “ “I don’t have “Lymphoma” I have “Lypoma” a generally benign, fatty growth.”

In that moment, with a sense of great relief, my normally loud, boisterous and joyful laugh exploded from my body. The whole idea that mom had misheard what the doctor’s office had said, fit my sense of humor perfectly and mom and I shared a wonderful moment of laughter.

Again, I was reminded that I am also “The luckiest man on earth.”

I know that there are many things that I simply can’t control in life. That is where the “luck’ comes in. What I can control is letting those around me know what they mean to me and how important they are to me.

During this holiday weekend I am going to laugh loud and long with a sense of great thanks for the blessings in my life. I’m also going to call my mother again and let her know in a very loving and empathic tone to…..”PUT IN YOUR HEARING AID IN THE NEXT TIME THE DOCTOR CALLS!